A restart

There was material here before. It doesn't really matter. I'm restarting this now for a couple of reasons.

First, I hate angst. I hate self-delusion and self-abuse and self-introspection and self-flipperfloppery. Can't stand it. And that's all this was -- feeling sorry for myself. The world, and the people that know me, and the person who reads this, probably have enough of that.

Second, to take it in a new direction. Of saying things that are hard to say in person that go well on the printed page. To use it as a tool , or to make a journey of exploration that might make me a better person rather than a more histrionic jackass.

I wish I could write a smoothly flowing blog about something vaguely interesting where a few friends might put in with pithy comments and talk about the weekend football game. But that isn't to be. Best that I be myself.

Back to writing

I got away from doing this. I shouldn't have. I think I'll restart, and I'll go into why.

It's amusing, really. I despise stream-of-consciousness writing like this as the height of narcissistic, self-inflated ego blathering. It's the sort of useless capering about that most people regurgitate seeking comfort, or attention, or praise, or just someone to listen to them. Venting is a mechanical process used to eliminate waste, and my emotions and feelings are not waste to be jettisoned.

And yet here I am regurgitating emotions for the sake of ... what? Pretending they aren't there? Am I so terrified of the fact that I'm in love that I can't process thoughts correctly? Is the concept that I'm being open with someone, that someone can hurt me for realz that goddamned horrifying? If so, what does that make me?

I wish I knew.

So why am I doing this? It's easier for me to express what I feel here than it is in an email, or in chat, or over the phone, or in person. It's easier for me to get it out and then read it back over and analyze how I feel.

And how do I feel, this wonderful grey morning?

I'm suspended between finally having a reason to live , and finally having a reason to give up entirely. I'm not sure if the fundamental essence of who and what I am is a positive or a negative. I'm not sure if what I want is to be happy or to do the right thing.

I am not used to people seeing me as I am. Perhaps my facades have taken so many body blows in the past few days that they no longer function. Perhaps there isn't anything under the facade, and I haven't yet realized that.

I'm lost in emotions and I have no good direction on where to go. I can't say "I'm having problems with my girlfriend" since she's not my girlfriend, doesn't know what she feels and might be gone tomorrow. I can't say "I'm having to face what I am" because everyone clings to their own view of me and won't discard it for the reality. I can't say "I'm trying to fix myself" because I'm not even sure what's wrong with me.

And I know that, no matter what, the things I've said up to this point in this blog aren't what need to be said. The things I've DONE up to this point in my life aren't what need to be done.

I have to change.